first and the last...

ok, here it is - i've resisted the urge to write about my early impressions of childbirth so far. why? well, firstly 'cos i try and keep this a games related blog. secondly, i don't want to become some sentimental, flubber-gushing, floppy-necked, twat-faced ponse going on and about how magical it is to be father and how god is beautiful and how tress are divine blessings from the heavens.

but let's face it - there's feck all happening in the games industry at the mo. e3's dead? ok. ps3's doomed? no it's not. atari isn't releasing any ps3 games until 2007? that's not fecking news ffs!

and aside from that - i am a proud dad. so fuck it. this is a one off, ok?

good.

so, being a dad. i don't want to go on and on, as you will have heard most of this before. shitty nappies, grizzling, the smell of baby hair, tiny feet. yes, it's all true and all very nice.

what i will say, though, is this.

i was told repeatedly before she arrived that it would be amazing, it would change my life and my feelings for her would be stronger than i could believe. in a way, i kind of found this hard to accept.

love governs much of what we do in many ways. but love is not a static thing. it comes in many forms, one of which is rarely like another.

as you grow up you learn to love your parents. not when you're a kid - you love them then because they feed you and buy you stuff. and not when you're a teenager, when you find them annoying, tedious and mildly disturbing. after you've left the nest, though, you realise that you do love them, how much they've done for you and how much they mean to you.

and as for partners - that's a learned type of love too. sometimes you fancy someone straight from the off, you might possibly even be infatuated. but that's not love. love is what happens over time, when your personalities have been revealed and you're at complete ease with one another and could not live apart. this love takes a long time to develop, and can often be far from stable once it's attained.

the first few days after my daughter arrived don't really count. my mind wasn't straight. i was drowning in a sea of tiredness, nappies, well-wishers and bemusement. you can't find yourself amongst that.

once that dust settled, though, i realised that the kind of love you have for your child isn't a love that you need to learn or that needs to develop. it's a pulsating, lively, organic and vibrant love that simply comes into being. it is born fully developed. it's more consuming than desire, more compulsive than instinct. it's life altering. and life consuming. and life-affirming.

it astonishes me how something that needs time to mature and develop in other facets of life can be so instantly alive when you stare into the eyes of your child. until it happened to me, how could i possibly accept something so strong and so instant could be possible? but this love truly is beyond understanding or description.

it's empowering yet humbling. it's moving. it's magical and it's fundamental.

it's also a cliche, i admit, but i kid you not - it's all true.

right, enough of that. no more emotional gushing, i swear. i'm rock 'ard me. 'nuff of this emotional guff. cars, birds, beer, manliness. gritted teeth.

but cut me some slack for now... i'm a proud dad.