self harm...

have you ever noticed the regularity with which depression is discussed on games forums? it might be discussed on other types of forum too - i don't know, as a rarely read other types of forum - but it crops up in games forums a lot.

it's not surprising really. depression is such a huge taboo, despite the fact that it reportedly affects a huge number of us. people who say it's not a taboo are wrong. ring up your boss on a morning and tell them that you're knocked out with the flu or with food poisoning and all's hunky-dory. tell 'em you spent all night crying after a scene on the news upset you or that you were awake until 4:00am hearing voices or that you've been up since 3:00am 'cos you couldn't shake the feeling that something dreadful was about to happen and that results in more than a cross next to your name in the sick book.

i rarely talk to anyone about my depression, which is quite unusual for me as i'm generally a very open person. even my parents and my other half are only aware of the basic details. it's a very personal thing, depression. and even with the people i am comfortable about discussing it with, it's pretty tough rationalising it to such an extent that they understand you. because on the whole its fairly unfathomable.

my depression stems from worry. that is, a few years ago i was diagnosed as having a general anxiety disorder. this simply means that at times i get unfeasibly wound up about stuff. sometimes it's important stuff, but more often than not it's ridiculously trivial stuff. i mean really insignificant things like popping out for milk, filling up the car with petrol or doing the washing up. i'm being serious. silly things, that go round and round the mind until you've forgotten how to think straight. suffer that for long enough and it drives you into depression. and it's a pretty tough fucking loop to get out of.

this year has been really bad for me in this respect so far. the last really bad spell i went through was in 2002/2003. i was on medication and i had counselling and it got a lot better. but it's not something that once you've dealt with will just stay away forever. you have to keep on keeping on top of it. and that's hard work. and i've not been doing very well lately.

a bit bizarre really, as i've known some of the happiest moments of my life in the last few months. my daughter, who's nearly nine months old now, really is quite amazing. every time, and i mean every time, that i see her smile or hear her laugh or see her do something new for the first time it really is magical. genuinely. i'll still frequently find myself breaking down into tears of happiness when i'm with her. maybe once or twice a month.

the last time was when i was waiting for her mum to bring her into the bath with me. when she appeared, mummy was holding her hands and helping the little one walk into the bathroom herself. this beautiful, naked baby appeared around the side of the door, and when she saw her daddy gave me a large toothy grin and giggle. even now, a couple of weeks later, i struggle to think of it without welling up. it was a genuinely beautiful moment. the type you'd like to live forever. i love her more than anything i've ever known.

but being a dad (and a mum, i'm sure) is also hard work. and its emotionally draining. my mood is in so many ways dictated by hers. if she's happy, then there's a reasonably good chance that i might be happy too. but if she's ill or unhappy, which at her age happens quite a lot, i find it more or less impossible to pick myself up.

that sort of talk would probably surprise a lot of people who know me. i come across as a right bulshy git - self-assured, sarcastic, a 'water off a duck's back' type a bloke. and i am like that in a way. but in another way it's all bravado. i'm also the sort who'll hide in the bathroom and cry after hearing a story about some bloke killing a four month old or a teenage torturing a cat on the news. the sort who'll listen to the same song over and over again for three hours because it strikes some sort of emotional chord. the sort who'll retreat into a silent shell when he's upset.

you'll never hear me say that again though and i'll never admit it to you.

when i get caught up in anxious and depressive phases it really makes the tiny details of day to day life incredibly challenging. my natural reaction is to find security in routine, in predictability. this isn't a healthy reaction, though, as it's impossible to live life like this. take this behaviour to the extreme and that's what's known as autism.

but despite my knowing that this goal is impossible, and indeed undesirable, i find it incredibly difficult to stop trying to attain this rigidity. it's this struggle that leads to many of the other problems. failing to attain the desirable routine results in a build up of anxiety, and a build up of anxiety leads to a more desperate want for routine. and seeing as it's impossible to ever achieve this goal, life becomes difficult. it's this ongoing cycle that in my head eventually leads to depression.

at this point more or less everything becomes a near insurmountable challenge. work, especially, becomes incredibly problematic. it also makes you an unpleasant person, and you're less likely to create a pleasant environment around you when you're so unpleasant. again, a cycle. trying to concentrate and apply yourself when inside you care about literally nothing, though, is taxing. when i say literally nothing, the exception is my daughter. she means everything to me. so the fact that i see her so little is a source of great sadness. and anxiety. and therefore depression etc.

another way of coping with this sort of shit is the 'fuck you and fuck myself' kind of approach. i tried that too, a long time ago. weeks when you're smashed out of your face every night. lots of drinking, drugs etc. it worked for a while too. and it wasn't a particularly bad experience, either. i'm quite a happy drunk. and i enjoyed drugs a lot. but there comes a point with that sort of shit where you either allow it to define you or you knock it on the head. i chose the latter. haven't drugged for a couple of years now. haven't even smoked weed regularly for a year or two now, and that was a major coping mechanism for me. and even if i wanted to go back to that sort of stuff, i'm a dad now, so it's my responsibility to stay compus mentis. and i don't begrudge that.

for understandable reasons, though, those who don't suffer from an anxiety disorder or depression don't understand it. they have no comprehension of how it consumes your life. 'just snap yourself out of it and get on with things' they must think when the likes of me go on about it. and yeah, that would be the answer. but if it were as easy as that there would be no such thing as depression in the first place, would there?

but life has to go on. so you battle through things. unfortunately the lower you get the less likely you are to work on the behavioural changes required to break out of the depressive loop. but the lower you get the more you need to. fuck, it's all so evil.

so that's why i haven't blogged for three months.

but maybe the fact that i now have, three times in a week, is a good sign?